What I think, What I feel, What I am
by Silverblacktears
Summary: Everyone needs the time to think


Title: What I think, What I feel, What I am Author: Pilotslover  
  
Synopsis: Sometimes, writing things down can help  
  
Setting: Black Mage Village start of disk four  
  
Rating: PG - Nice and controlled, no violence or swearing, my next fic on the other hand Evil chuckle  
  
Spoilers: Relatively thick and fast, ranging from the game's start to disk four start  
  
Authors Note: Hello, another fic from PL. I wrote this really quickly, I'm not even sure if it's any good, I just thought I'd let you guys be the judge of that.   
  
'They say that you understand yourself, what you've faced, what you feel, better if you tell someone or write it down; these aren't things I feel I can tell so I'll write them instead. When 288 told me mages only last a year, I didn't know what to feel or how to respond; my head was so pained by thoughts that I couldn't sleep. Even now, I don't think I fully understand it; what it means to live and die. I guess I must be too young, but I don't have the time to understand it; even if I last longer, no one knows how long I've been active for. I could stop pretty soon too. I was angry; I hated Brahne for having us made; I hate Kuja for knowing how to do it! What gives him the right to manipulate life like that?!'  
  
'When I saw Dagger crying, I didn't hate Brahne so much; Kuja was just using her like he was the mages. I didn't feel real, I hadn't since Dali but when I saw Dagger's tears I felt real again; I know I'm not, but I felt sad too. When I heard the others had decided to work with Kuja, I was so angry; he wasn't satisfied with just creating us, now he planned to manipulate them again; pulling them from their home with lies! It all came out then, I just wish Zidane and the others hadn't heard me say it, it was kind of embarrassing. I didn't really feel any stronger after saying it but 288 looked at me differently and has since. I guess something changed then, I didn't feel so confused any more, I just wanted to help them.'  
  
I knew before I got there that Kuja had lied to them, I don't think any part of him can tell the truth. I didn't think when I ran after Kuja; I just knew I couldn't leave the others alone with him. He looked me ...'  
  
... In the rich yellow eyes, unfaltering. "I suppose you're here to find out the secret too." The villain purred, flicking his hair over his shoulder. "Oh dear, how ever did my mindless puppets come to be so self-preserving?" He questioned rhetorically, breaking his gaze from the prototypes. "You think I can really do anything to make you last longer? That there's some great secret? How naïve of you all." The luminous yellow eyes would have intimidated anyone else, who knew them to be connected to the body of a spell-caster but Kuja knew no such concern.  
  
His eyes went to the smallest one, the first of its kind and it would probably be the last. "And you, what did you come for? To rescue your friend or to exact revenge on me for lying?" He stared down the little creature, who clenched his hand as his side when he dropped his yellow-eyed gaze. "You all knew I was lying, and the final act doesn't require such a cast, go back 'home' ..." He spat the word violently, "... and wait for your time to end." He started to walk off before turned to face Vivi, who he knew would indeed be in the cast of players for the final act. "Most people only live for a certain amount of time; count yourselves very lucky that you know how long!" He walked off without another backwards glance.  
  
'I hate him so much! So much that every spell I cast on him, felt like a small revenge for hurting my friends. I wasn't expecting Garland's revelation but the irony wasn't lost on me. Kuja hates us, but he's just like we are! I understand his pain, I could even understand his being angry and destroying Terra. Seeing the Genome's were so much like us, I couldn't let them die, so I suggested the Black Mage Village to Zidane. I'm still there now, I mean to hide this note thing here when I'm done, or set it on fire. Watching the Genome's reminded me of how me and Grandpa had been, I know I can't be sad but everything changed for me the day he died; I guess some part of me died with him.'  
  
Angry with himself, Vivi hit his hand against his head a few times. "I can't be sad," He told himself. Picking up the small note, he stuffed it into one of his pockets; now he had written it down he did feel a little better. He hopped from his perch outside the Weapons Shop, meaning to find a quiet place to burn the not; his feet took him to the cemetery; where 288 and Mikoto stood silently.  
  
The big c' Type did not turn, eyes on the graves. "Hello Vivi," He greeted. "You and the others have a lot of training to do before you take on Kuja again; you should probably get some sleep before you set out." Vivi smiled, he liked the kinship that 288 showed him so easily, it made him feel like he had a place to belong.  
  
"I - I know, I was just thinking."  
  
Mikoto turned to him, eyes going to his pocket from which the note still poked. "What's that?" The cynical Genome questioned and Vivi clasped a hand over it, suddenly feeling very self-conscious.  
  
"It's something I wrote,"  
  
"Let me see,"  
  
Mikoto held out her hand, "I'm going to burn it now." He told her, removing the note from his pocket. He scrunched it in his hand, resting it on the ground in front of him. He held both hands, palm down, over it. "Fire," He muttered and the paper caught. "I'm starting to understand now; I don't need that any more." He watched as the fire ate the paper, soon leaving only a few wisps of ash behind. "I'm going to bed now," He headed to the inn, where his companions slumbered. He did not know what the next day held; all he knew was that he was ready to face it head on.  
  
END 


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